Control = food = control = food = control

Haven’t eaten yet tonight.  Simple reasoning is “because I don’t want to”.  I’m nearly 40, surely I can make my own decisions about that, right? But I know it’s bad for me. I know it makes me worse. I know I’m practically pushing myself into a hole that I don’t actually want to go back into.  My mind wanders.  Why don’t I want to eat?  I don’t want to eat because it’s a way of holding onto control.  Everything else in my life is chaos right now.  I don’t know when I’m going to get a grip on anything else right now.  I don’t know if I even will get that grip.  So many disaster scenarios flying around in my head right now.  And there in the middle, where it was easy to miss her, is me, sitting in a ball, muttering “I don’t want to eat, I don’t have to eat, I don’t want to eat, I don’t have to eat.”  Eventually I will eat, and it will be garbage.  As trashy and as empty of nutrition as I can possibly make it.  And it will still be about control because if I choose to eat something shitty instead of eating what I know is good for me, it’s another way of telling myself “at least I have control over something.”

I don’t know what good it does for me to realize that, as I’m fairly sure that I will still stand up in about 5 minutes and go make some popcorn for dinner and wash it down with soda.  But… I suppose at the very least it was a very audible ‘click’ moment of ‘oh… oh so *that’s* what girls with eating disorders are struggling with.’  So… empathy, at the very least.  It can’t hurt.  The popcorn will, but then I’ve been treating myself like shit for so long I don’t suppose another day more or less is going to make much of a difference.  And better popcorn than nothing at all and spend all day at work sick tomorrow because I skip breakfast and lunch as well.  As it is I’ll just spend *most* of the day at work sick tomorrow.  Hurrah for small victories.  Hurrah.

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